3 YEARS LATER

As i sit here in reflection, with thoughts swirling through my head
I realize how far I've come and how my tide has changed.

No longer do i feel I'm drowning, my mind consumed by all but me
But like a ship thrown sailor, finally emerging from a storm riddled sea.

Looking back at what was swam, a sense of calm swarms over me
Things are becoming clear you see, for i am no longer apart of all

I am just me.

i wish....

i wish i wasnt me,
didnt have to be me, didnt have to see me, didnt have to feel me.
i wish i wasnt me,
didnt have to hurt, didnt have to cry, didnt wanna die
i wish i wasnt me...not now...no ever...
i wish i wasnt me.

will i?

just spent a weekend with my friends, there a couple. i didnt realize how hard it can be to watch someone happy....how your blood can boil with jealousy. its not that you dont want them to be happy, because you do, you just wish you had there happiness too. sometimes its harder to deal with then others, because the person your in love isnt in love with you...or so you think.

sometime i seem him and i wish he was here, in my arms, me in his, holding him, holding me. to feel his heartbeat...and hear his breath...and smell his scent...and know for sure that as long as i have him in my life it will all be alright....

but it isnt that easy...god how i wish it were, we're both young...we both have plans.....we both have things we wouldn like to do before we settle down...but will he wait for me.....me for him....or as time goes by, and the more we try and achive our individual goals, will we drift apart...no longer along the same path. i hope not.

i want him there with me, helipng me achive my goals, me helping him....i wanna see his face light up when his accomplished his goal...i want to share the highs and lows with him....

the only question here is....will i?

Confusion

As I sit here, I wonder what to do, I've just talked to him, told him that they plan on introducing me to another, and I've seen his reaction.
How can I do this to him, to the one I care for the way I care for him?

How can I cause him such pain, knowing I can make it disappear by letting him go?

Are my reasons for staying selfish?

Because I know that without him my life is meaningless, that it has no purpose?

That without him I am an empty shell?

Living day by day, dead?

the first

im sitting here thinking why i did this...oh ya...cos, in the words of an amazing writer 'its a great way of letting off steam'...dnt no if ill keep it up to date, but ill try